She was unplanned, and I was emotionally drained, knowing she existed. I cried a lot, knowing that acceptance was the only thing I needed to work on. It was hard. When I think about it, actually, it is still hard.
People said, "Bersyukur." which is OK. But when they continued, "banyak yang pingin tapi ga dikasih." I really want to throw their brain away from their head.
For those who want it and get it: bersyukur.
For those who do not want it and do not get it: bersyukur.
So, for those who do not want it but still get it, the situation is similarly pathetic to those who want it but still don't get it. Right?
Anyway, my journey was challenging since I did not enjoy it as much as the first time. The pain was real; the struggle, the tears, and the anger were real. And to get rid of her, of course, not an option. So, I let the time does whatever it wants. There were days I felt I was fine, and there were more days I felt the opposite. To destress my mind, I decided to do a c-section. I was afraid of the pain I might endure since the pain I got during my first time was not so bad and the beliefs that every child will bring a different experience. I even have talked about it with my friend who underwent a c-section before. Fortunately, my husband did not go against my will and wanted me to do whatever was easy for me.
While doing my work in the uni and part of me trying so hard to finish what I could finish for my Ph.D., the stress was tremendous. I worked really hard to finish my responsibility before the midterm; I tried to touch my draft --but could not do what I wanted to do. And I received more information about c-section, and suddenly I was terrified and called a midwife to help me with everything to have a vaginal birth. It was a month before the due date. I never do exercise; I did not do a diet or whatever since I wanted to do a c-section which I thought I did not need to prepare anything. The idea of doing vaginal birth next month was freaking me out. But the midwife did her job, even though the psychological approach rolled my eyes.
So..
It was Friday when I finished what I needed to finish and met the doctor in the afternoon. He said she was big and could be even bigger next week, and wanted me to decide to have an induction on Saturday or wait. I only know that induction is painful but had no idea how painful it is. My husband said to do it anyway because I might still need to have induction next week, and the baby was bigger. But my mother wanted me to wait. I was still confused.
And the amniotic fluid came out on Saturday morning, and the pain was intense, and we ran to the hospital.
The opening was already 10 when I arrived in the labor room. I needed to give birth immediately without the doctor. Que sera sera.
She was born at 07:30.
Welcome. Despite the hard thing I have been through during the pregnancy, I love you.