Marburg 2

 Rindu Marburg :(

Hari-hari pertamaku di Marburg, aku lalui pakai lagu ini :(

Masih masa transisi dari kehidupan di Jepang soalnya :(

 I want a restart.

...

the what -ifs are not useful. But I can't stop questioning.

Marburg

 

Let me finish my unfinished business with Marburg..

in Marburg. 

 

When the fact that I am in a different boat

 Life is funny.

I was (maybe I am) in a condition that requires a magic. I asked possible person to wish me some luck, and it seemed that they have their own agenda toward me (agenda is a deteriorating word, huh?). I mean, I do believe they want the best for me, which might be contradictory with mine. And then I went from a very specific manifestation to ya udah sih, apa aja deh yang penting aku keluar dari kepenatan ini. Like, saya ini siapa, beriman saja kurang kayak didengar saja doanya. Ah. It felt like that they counteracted my manifestation under the pretext of me not being too ambitious, that I have to continue my life here, that I have a job and family. Ah, that "tidak semua yang diinginkan harus didapatkan."

If only you know, that wise words that bring me down. Remind me to always protect my daughters from this stupid jinx.

Hey, Anak-anak Ibu, be what you want to be, do what you want to do. If you want to continue, continue; and if you want to stop as there is nothing else you can do, stop. You might be afraid, that's ok. I will be right behind you. I will not be the one to stop you. I will always support you and your most impossible desire --as long as there is no one will get hurt, mentally and physically.

Do I blame them?

I don't know. I felt I was alone in my battle, a battle due to my stupidity; thus, I can't really share my feeling, my hopes, and my dreams. Ah, the perks of not having any friend. So, they just don't know, and they think I am in their boat. And that's my fault.

•••

Yesterday, I finally met my supervisor. Everything was ok and everything will go according to their expectations (and against my expectations). I really don't want to regret this, tapi apa yang aku punya? Apa yang aku tahu? Apa yang aku bisa?

Fear

Too many scenario, the worst.

Too many drama, the tragic one.

Too much noisy sound.

The unfinished pounding heart.

Too many butterfly in my stomach, well, cockroach.

When we speak in different languages

 No, it is not about Japanese or German, or anything else.

I have struggled to understand my love language. At first, I thought it was "the act of service", but hey, I was born a princess. I remember the days having a maid around to clean, cook, etc. I even still have one today. And it doesn't make me feel that they love me.

The least is, of course, "receiving gift."

I don't like to receive something that is not really into me. For example, a dress or shoes that are far from my style. A book, I don't like book. A bag -- I have limited favorite bag: Kanken; and I already have one. But, I will happily accept a newest gadget. Apple 🤣

Then I thought it was "quality time" since it is always nice to think about sitting together in a prairie do nothing, just sleep under the tree. But no, it's not.

And here it is:

Tidak, aku tidak suka digombalin dan tentu saja aku tidak suka dicolek-colek by strangers, or by acquaintances. Because that "words of affirmation" and that "physical touch" are not that. Bz. I don't like to be called "pretty" (hell yeah, I know some people sees me pretty, while others not, y'know, the theory of relativity). I don't even like to compliment others by their look, unless they are pretty pretty. I genuinely think that all human was born pretty in their own way.

Dan, ya, tentu saja mental ini kena kalau diomongin yang iya-iya (kalau yang tidak-tidak, masih bisa manage dikit lah).

xoxo,

VF

Halo, apa kabar?

Bukannya tidak ada yang pernah menanyakan kabarku. Tapi entah yang tanya itu basa-basi, atau aku yang enggan berbagi kabar.

OK. Kabarku lelah. Sekali.

Been trying to validate my feelings but couldn't find the right word. But, yea, life provides what the human needs. It was just suddenly appeared:

Sometimes I wish I wasn't a mother, but I'd never dream of giving my children "back" or want to live in a world where they didn't exist and I wasn't their mother. 

--Danielle Campoamor

 I (still) thought that being a mother is easy; thus, I feel very guilty if I show to the other how exhausted I am. I'm drained out. I want to be hugged and asked "how is your day?".

I will mostly reply "biasa aja" to the "how is your day?", but there will be a time, I will cry, and that's the time to say that I am doing a good job.

die Zauberkunst

Ich weiß wirklich nicht, wohin ich meinen Kopf drehen soll, an welche Schulter ich meinen Kopf legen könnte. Oder wie man meinen Kopf schneidet.

Ne, ich will nicht sterben.

Ich brauche ein Einhorn, das über dem Regenbogen tanzt.