new year's euphoria

yes, i didn't join any new year's euphoria, but i was excited to wait for the turning year.

when i look back to my 2011. just a long sigh. siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

but if any kind of improvement can be qualified as an achievement, then, my eyes getting bigger. that's all. and if you really take care of me, you know that i've said that many times. but in 2011, i found its true meaning. although somehow, i can not see my own eyes. fool.

anyway, this turning year, punch my face. it gives me a warning about what should happen in year 2012. and, yes, it will be and it have to be, or at least i have to make, a new door to a new path.

therefore, for the first time i make a resolution list. hurray! thesis, graduation, and job are the first things in my list. and let the rest and the details for my own xD it isn't a long list, actually. and some of them are unimportant, such as going to dentist in this january :| oh my god! blood keeps coming out from my gums :| and migrain attack comes more often when my body doesn't respond to paracetamol anymore.

of course there was also some failures xD the big failure i made was that i grow a feeling of guilty about everything, because somehow, i feel, that how i think, i do, and i say are wrong.

ah, nevermind.

so..
yeah, let me see me how i achieve them *fingers crossed*

a sweet sugary procrastinator

note: "you" may refer to everybody around me. keep your head in your normal size :D

everyone is not the same.

but you differentiate me. at least, i feel different about something i think i shouldn't be different, but because of you, i feel different. it kinda hurt ya know. it really do.

one thing for sure, i know you know that i can't accomplish what you want me to accomplish. i can't give you what you want. how can i give you something i don't have yet? something that i will have later. later. i don't want it now but don't worry, i'm looking for the way. looking for the light you want me to see. later. later.

i know you're disappointed of how disappointing i am. should i declare to you what i truly feel? ah, yes, i'm going to. i'm disappointing, and i'm disappointed. of me. of my life (kinda). of how everything won't work the way we want. that's it.

so, it's ok for me, if your place is not the warm place for me anymore. i'll warm up my self with my old blanket if things frozen. i'll make my own fire. i'll sew my own sweater. i'll make my own hot coffee with vanilla cream. i'll do everything to make my self warm. don't worry, i try not to get fever. or frozen to death. don't worry.

and, yes, there will be always a but.

don't blame me if i turn into a skaði. so much things running in my head now. and my multitalent doesn't work well, so i skip many things to make me feel better. do i feel better? of course not. the worst part of how my brain works nowadays is that it realise things that i skip. a sweet sugary procrastinator. it realise how i skip many things. then i become so flat. gruff. unaware. nonchalant. ah, whatever. that's what i can do for now. will you wait?

blah.

just because "i" have a big house, two motorcycles, and three cars, my sisters and brother have their own rooms and cellphones, four televisions, some laptops (notebooks included), two classic guitars, an electric guitar, etc; it doesn't mean that i can get what i want. oh, yes, of course i can. the only matter is i don't want to.

for those who know my background will think that i'm overreacting and silly and ridiculous and everything that come to their mind about me. stupid. not grateful. troubling my self. everything. that's understandable. i understand how their brainy-head work. and i don't blame them for this breathless breath.

then, i choose to lock my mouth.

i don't ever need it.

i've just written a long yadda yadda yadda shi*tness, then a ctrl-a + del erase them all away.

what should i write?
my days? boring.
my thoughts? still as pathetic as it used to be.
my feelings? for what?

everything i do will only show you how stupid i am. and i don't ever need it.

fireflies in the night with thousands falling stars

time flies when you're having fun, you wake up and half the year is gone. you're twenty-four!

yeyy!! it's my 24th birthday..
alway getting older every year, huh? -___-

and again, it's not an audit day xD

i just want to celebrate it. with my laptop and my mouse in my room and a birthday song. and again, no cake and no candle. just me and my new 24 ^^

what i like to proudly tell in my birthday is the fact about my eyes which are getting bigger and bigger more than ever, and yes, their ability to capture everything by a single glance is increasing. although it's not significantly increased -___-

but, i this birthday i will do something different. i want to make some wishes:

i get a research project as soon as possible so i can finish my study in the next semester. and life after that will be beautifully flying like fireflies in the night with thousands falling stars, and my wishes are dancing touchably like butterflies under the warm sun with its skies and birds. but the most important thing for me now is that my brother can do his final examination successfully without any difficulties and God's hand always with him. amiin.

ding dong! happy birthday!

the death of my cellphone

the death of my cellphone reminds me of my old cellphones q:

my very first cellphone was Nokia 3310 grey in my first grade of high school. it was my mother's and the first cellphone in my family. and one day she had to go to do a research in germany and she lent her cellphone for my father. but then my father gave it to me and he bought Siemens A35 black.



maybe my father didn't satisfy with his Siemens A35, he wanted my Nokia 3310 and he bought me Siemens C45 blue which i called "handphone sejuta umat" because everywhere i looked, my classmates held this cellphone.



i was still in the first grade when my mother came back to indonesia and asked me what kind of cellphone i wanted her to buy, then i chose Siemens MT50 grey. this cellphone was originally bought in germany and wasn't available in indonesia.



actually, i wanted Nokia 7210 because it was the first polychromatic cellphone i knew. unfortunately, it hadn't been sold in germany until the last day my mother in germany. and in second grade, i saw my friend used this Nokia 7210 T___T in this year, cellphone became more popular, and i wished to have Nokia 3650 or Siemens m55. but, yes, sometimes i think i have a moment when everything is so easy to get, but the other time is difficult. a wish is just a wish.

but again, my father offered me a new cellphone qx because, maybe, that time, my sister had just lost her Nokia 2100 and my father wanted to buy her a new cellphone. then i chose Siemens ST45 silver and my sister nokia 3200. and this siemens was the suckest cellphone i ever had. it pissed me off. it took a very long time to loading, even just for a letter.



and when i had my graduation day, my father bought me Sony Erricson K700i silver. well, actually my parent did. not only my father qx thank you (:



i think i was very consumptive that time -____-

and in my college life, this K700i accompanied me through the first days. i learned something like downloading ringtones and themes. then this K700i started to act very naughty. and i stole my brother's Nokia 3230 black. yes, i stole it. because i thought my brother was too young to have a cellphone and the fact that he didn't use it qx and my father got my K700i. and do you know what? he threw it away. because it was naughty T____T



and that time actually i brought two cellphones, with Sony Erricson K500. it was my mother's, but she had new one and this cellphone was unemployed. i needed it because there was a war among the providers. and im3 was cheaper than mentari (my first provider). and i also wanted to use AS. so i use "always buy new" im3 and AS, and i kept my mentari so i could "menghemat pulsa" without realizing the time limit, and it was more than 60000 rupiah, when it died on april, just before my birthday ),:

so, yes, i said goodbye to my 08156808923 and welcome to the im3 number, which i used until now ^^

then i realize that using two numbers was troublesome. so i only used Nokia 3230 and sold the K500. using this cellphone i learned something like java applications. i'm really sure, i was the first class (semester 3) who had Opera Mini 2 and an application for yahoo messenger (i forget the name, not e-buddy) in my cellphone qx thanks for wap.getjar.com

what i love about Nokia is their ability to save thousands messages. and i had more than 3000. and suddenly it dead when i had my field-practice for my apothecary program in industry. then i used my mother's cellphone Sony Erricson W880i and my brother's Sony Erricson W610i before i bought Nokia E52 which was transforming into a cadaver now ),:



and i don't want to talk about my new cellphones q:
i choose the cheap one, because i haven't worked yet. hehe. though my father offers me to buy blackberry. but i just dislike blackberry T___T

but i borrowed Nokia 2600 from my lovely devil =D before i buy new one!

the cadaver

today is the day my cell phone’s dead. he was really dead. can’t be fixed. can’t be cured. and something that hurts me more is the fact that in noki*a costumer care i found a big green box: “masukkan handphone, batterai, atau charger anda ke dalam kotak ini dan kami akan mengolahnya bla bla bla” errrr.. bukankah kehilangan sudah cukup menyakitkan tanpa harus ada bumbu-bumbu seperti itu? ),:

i even thought to make the cadaver of my cell phone as a keychain xD or as a gacuk to play engklek.

so, new cellphone?
~lalala. if only i was rich to buy everything ^^

the history

let's start talking about the history of my blogging activity =3 ah, it's because i reread my old blog lately and curse my self T__T

i started to blog when i was in first grade high school, year 2002, if i'm not mistaken. the wish of having a class web for my junior high school led me to find out how to make it happened. then i found blogspot which was free, after a long exploration in warnet. hehe.. i always remember how internet connection was very expensive that time so i couldn't use it every time i want, plus my activities during my first year in high school, i didn't expect too much to finish my work. i even lost many data of my friend in junior high school T__T

but, since i'd read many personal blog that time, i made my first personal blog in blogspot as a trial. i used "verdazone" or something like that for my web address. oh, yes, it's gone now. i think i'd deleted it after i graduate (haha, i forgot what i'd done to my first blog). i just remember that it was very silly and absurd and ah so fuc*king ridiculous when i tried to explain about my life or something. i was very lazy to update my blog that time because i didn't like wasting time in warnet (it could be hours and verrrry tiring!).

and i was in first year in college life (year 2005) when i knew friendster. some of my friends affected me to make a blog in friendster. and the time i made a blog in friendster was the time i said goodbye to my blog in blogspot. and now, i regret it ),: if only i perpetuated my very first blog. sigh.

but then i found my best friend has a blog in blogspot. and suddenly i wanted to make one too again because i didn't really like my blog in friendster. then voila, savorsimplicity.blogspot.com was born! ^^ i got the address from "life manifesto" by morgan l. johnson. don't ask me who is he. all that i knew he made 9 life manifesto:

live fully
seek serenity
laugh often
tread mindfully
savor simplicity
love passionately
think globally
exude creativity
treasure tranquility

and i chose savor simplicity as my manifesto of life xD hehe. actually i read it in a picture, but i can't find the picture.

because the internet connection was easier to find that time, i periodically updated my blog, beside that i was very lonely that time and needed a place to share something. the first euphoria was to announce my blog to everybody, but i thought no body was interested about my blog. i didn't even find my friend around me had something like blog T__T so i just grumbled by my self. alone.

i wish i can remember my first blog skin and the title of my blog. too bad, i can't. i changed the skin many times. and i think, this is one of my favorite skin. i don't really remember, and i can't find my archive T___T


i got the idea from my real life of course, especially about something that came through my mind. or maybe from a new phrase i found, then i strung it up into a story. and i was amazed how i love it very much. i love to grumble. love to curse. love to say everything i want to say to show up my feeling, though it only worked if i have a bad mood -____- yes, something like pathetic thoughts.

then i'm ashamed about that. hehe..

and i had to hide it. and lived in disguise. then change the address. from bitterbuttersoul, hanyaverda, justverda, etc. ah, very labile that time. i don't even know how many times i changed my address xD then, this is verdafarida.blogspot.com, published with my own name, though i feel the difference how i share story. but i hope i don't loose my style =3

i didn't ask for attention or something, that's why there's only about me and i didn't do link exchange. i only share story about something i want to share to reduce the size of my overload brain or just to figure out something. i don't care about my language. and i don't care if someone misunderstand.

those fussy ladies

hahhh..

i'm lost!
i forced my brain to think about something this whole day, but i'm failed!

i really need a new inspiration and to be far far faaaaaaaaaaaaaar away from those fussy ladies who like to talk about nothingness every minutes.

it's messing me up. because then i can't think about anything. even my day. and my boy. and i really don't like this. i really don't!

i need to get out from there and start to do something. but what? c'mon verdaaaa, you used to be able to see little pieces in your life. and made your life more meaningful. it's rubbish, verda! rubbish!

move! move! move!

or it should be

oh, okeyyy..

today is my friends' wedding and in the same time it's a reunion time.. or it should be.

because i still live in jogja, when i see my friends in the lobby of my campus it would be just an ordinary scenery for me. ah, i don't know. maybe, because they are all the same (: the same face, the same smile, the same laugh, the same voice, the same body, just the way they were, with some differences, because of the time. though it's been a very long time i didn't meet some of them.

and seeing the brides, i just realize that's the phase of life (:

does it mean i'm bad, because i wasn't excited to meet them? or just missing them?

oh, no no..
i am really excited to meet them. i just feel a different euphoria when i met my friends in jakarta last christmas.

ah, i don't know..
but for me, i really do love the moments like today ^^ met friends, traveled outside the town, lost in hinterland, saw beautiful and handsome brides, and run with the time to catch the train and plane. that was just too awesome to forget. and for your information, one of my friend had lost her train -___-

pathetic thoughts are cool

what's the purpose of announcing the badness of people around you? to criticizing people?

when someone is criticizing you, will you get mad and build your self defense? maybe they're building it too now. and the wall between you and them are getting higher, and you can't see them anymore..

and how can they see you? you can only scream to each other behind the wall. you can't show them how much you care, and you can't see how much they care..

building a wall by saying they're wrong and you're right.. buhh..

that's not the point, my friend. and that's none of my business. i just want to slap your face, my friend..

how can a little mistake be a huge mistake because people think how bad people-you-are-talking-about?

maybe you don't mind if i think you're a dumb because your boy/girlfriend explicitly show it. but i do. i don't want people think about how bad my boyfriend is and how desperate i am to have him in my life, if it happened.

that was the main reason why i changed the way i show my mind in this blog. i used to feel very tortured if he did something i didn't want him to do or he didn't do something i thought he should do. then i feel that i was very pathetic, and showed to the world how pathetic i was by telling how bad he was without remembering how good he was. it was because i wrote a bad side of my life more than how good my life treat me. because actually, for me, pathetic thoughts are cool. hehe.. and it will always be. i love pathetic thought, because it really sounds good for me. and it makes me think about my life deeper. and somehow, when it's about anger, i can feel better.

but people just don't know that i do have beautiful days, beautiful thoughts, beautiful moments. because i rarely write about them. and, maybe, people then got misunderstanding, and thought that my life was very sorrowful. then, once, someone tried to fix it -___- haha! that was funny actually. i needed to re-fix little things, of course, but the rest made me think about how bad i was by announcing bad sides of people. then i thank you (:

but verda is verda, i still love pathetic thought and still love to write about what i feel. i don't care what people thought about my life, but i won't let them think about something bad about people around me (:

maybe, it will be implicitly. because i know, sometimes i can be under control. haha!

the residual strength

oke, another problem. and i don't want to talk about it here, there, or everywhere. but, i'm sure, it will bother me and my days in the following days. oh, God. what i've got is hard enough for me. and you want to give a new burden in my shoulder? T___T

of course it's really ok, my life is yours, as long as you don't take away the residual strength that i have. and i know, you won't, you even will give a multiple extra strength to me.

but if i may wish. let me with my residual strength. and don't add more burden. amen. it's been a long time i didn't do exercise.

the doomsday is about to come

this world has many heads. and it's so amazing (x some are funny. some are abrasive. some are sensitive. some are paying no attention. some are wise. some are ridiculous.

so many things to say about one thing.

today's bomb attracts various reactions. some are having pity on the victims. some are criticizing how the victims act like a naked gegana team. some are cursing the bomb sender. some are (still) mocking the media. some are (still) watching the soap opera.

me?
i was watching soap opera when a message came to tell me about the bomb and how it almost killed the naked gegana, then i continued watching soap opera while my hand were busy too to search the online news.

how if i simply said the naked gegana team should use their panoply gown before saving the world?

but these criminality and the disasters are so devastating. maybe it's true, that the doomsday is about to come. year 2012 is next year and i haven't married yet T___T

this world has thousands heads

umm..
i don't know since when i'm afraid to give an opinion and i'm too afraid to join in a debate to get a denial or rejection to make me feel so guilty to what i've said or i've thought. i'm afraid to play with words and make some friction with others. yep! i'm glad i have my own opinion about an issue or something, but i think i've lost my ability to stay cool in a debate and to show my mind without making any friction. then i choose to be silent.

i'm not as smart as i used to be in a very long time a go. i used to enjoy a debate with friends. but nowadays people have a bigger self defence and will be more emotional and reactive to some other people who don't suit to what they think is right. i hate to be democratic, i sometimes get out of control to speak up my mind to an issue but i'm just too afraid to get a reactive feedback. hehe..

it happened to me twice. i was just commenting about something but they reacted like i was saying something very wrong and they just got upset to me. errr.. i think i'm being more sensitive..

but, hello..

if you can't accept the fact that this world has thousands heads, think twice about something you want to say, people doesn't always say yes to what you think. you even don't always say yes to what people think, then why are you bothered?

and, hey, verda!
shut up! *kriiik..

ugh, i just wish people have a smart way of speaking. yeah, it's a self note for my self too. i love sharing brains. eh?

but too bad, i think people hate to talk to me -___- sampe kadang-kadang saya mati gaya. haha.. lupakan.

unidentified routinities

i've lost so much. tired of being jealous and envy and ungrateful. no way to fix it. and there's no way back. got to make a new move soon. but.. (:

anyway..
at least time never stop running and tomorrow will come.

hahhh..
these unidentified routinities ('geje' routinities) aren't finished yet. and i'm bored with this traffic. sigh.

my never-be-neat wretched brain

well, another boring day T__T
i had to wait 3 hours just to know the teacher was absent. sigh..
piye iki?? ra cetho.

anyway..
sometimes i really want to tell the world about everything in my head or in my heart, like i used to do years a go. at least just to prevent my never-be-neat wretched brain from becoming more wretched. to describe every single piece in the corner of my brain. every tiny unimportant thing.

but even though this is my page, this my brain and this is my heart, but my life isn't only mine.. =3 and oddly, i'm happy with that =D because, yeah, because i don't need to tell everything.. xD

oh, maybe i just need to make a new personal page later. anonymously. haha..

i love you just the way you are

haha..
i've just written a long story about cutting my shape so i can fit into a box. but since being cut is a fact, and i'm cut now, i decide to accept my new shape.

booooo.. *tomatoes attack*

well, the show must go on.

someone in my timeline said that there's no such thing like "i love you just the way you are", because there's always a reason you'll be loved. your beautiful face. your behaviour. your smart brain. your smile. your charm. your fashion. your money.

but i think it's true that you have something to be loved by your partner, your friends, your family. and the "i love you just the way you are" is about an ACCEPTANCE everytime you and yourself can't accept who you are. got it?

ever have an uncomfortable feeling about your own self?

i'm sure there are moments in your life when you feel you're not beautiful or handsome. you hate your hair cut. you hate your fashion style. you hate the thought of being old-fashioned. you hate your personality. you hate the way your mind and your heart work. you hate your disability. you hate your boundary.

and living in "i love you just the way your are" will make you feel comfortable and you start to accept the way you are and be happy with it and you feel great.

of course "i love you just the way you are" is not about cutting someone shape. but it's also not about letting the shape looks so messy and tolerate it. it's about decorating the shape and the box so they will look amazing to celebrate.

so what's happening to my shape now? whatever. i just want to start to decorate ^^

a moment to celebrate our love

uwahh..
ini masih libur semester tapi kerjaan udah mulai numpuk. well, bener, kerjaan. i do this for money.. =3

and as always,
i hate being a person who needs to try thousands times harder than others just to get "halah, cuma itu aja.." in the end. or something that indicate that my work was useless or i have a wrong perspective of a case or that i can't do something well.

i know i'm not as smart as people expect me to be (there are? eh..). but if you don't know how hard i'm trying, don't consider me doing something like tweeting or blabbering. it breaks my heart.

and it was getting worse when i'd tried so hard for a deadline, the deadline is pending. kayak misalnya udah begadang ngerjain tugas, besoknya si dosen absen.

tapi berhubung hari ini valentine, ya sudahlah..

eh? apa? valentine??
no no no! i don't celebrate valentine! not because i'm a muslim or i'm a kind of person who thinks that love should be celebrated every day (i even think we need a moment to celebrate our love in the middle of the rush hours) or my partner didn't give me lupis (as i requested) or sunflower.

i just think that the history behind the valentine's day is similar to hari kartini, hari pendidikan nasional, or hari pahlawan except the fact that valentine's history is silly and ridiculous. because i think it would be better to have currie's day or habibi's day. if it's all about love, then their stories touch my heart more than just about someone in jail who only wrote a letter before he died.. well, if i'm not mistaken.

i even didn't feel the euphoria. anyway, i ever celebrated it. when i was in junior high, with my girlfriends..

true story

i hate the way i feel people hate me. i hate the way people choose to reply the same message to the one that sent not from me. i hate the way people choose to sit in the seat where i don't sit on it. i hate the way people say hello or goodbye to a room but acting like i am not there. i hate the way people choose to look at someone beside me in a conversation. i hate the way people move from their spot after i come to same spot. i hate the way people choose the more uncomfortable place just because i am already in the comfortable place. i hate the way people give a feedback aggressively to a word, song, speech, attitude, anything that comes not from me. and mostly, i hate the way i look my self, the way i think, the way i speak, the way i feel.

based on true story. mine. welcome home, pathetic verda.

let the magic works

it's the second day of year 2011!!

once again, i don't do reflection or resolution, that's crap for me -___-

the greatest thing in year 2010 i've learnt is how i find happiness. it comes and starts from myself. lovers are the trigger. yes, lovers are the trigger. they never gonna be an obstruction. if only i want to feel..

and so much love. love. and love. and love is not about cutting someone shape so they can fit into your box. love is about learning to life. love! acceptance. not compulsion. be the best you can. and let the magic works, then you'll be loved beautifully. and now, it's officially 2011.. happy new year!

happy new year! Wish we have a delightful year 2011 and all our pending dreams are coming true immediately in the beginning of this year!

~as i tweeted.

but in my heart: "opo jal?" ishhh, dasar emang otak males. hahahahaaaa..

sama iniii, something nggak penting -____-





=D