Life is funny.
I was (maybe I am) in a condition that requires a magic. I asked possible person to wish me some luck, and it seemed that they have their own agenda toward me (agenda is a deteriorating word, huh?). I mean, I do believe they want the best for me, which might be contradictory with mine. And then I went from a very specific manifestation to ya udah sih, apa aja deh yang penting aku keluar dari kepenatan ini. Like, saya ini siapa, beriman saja kurang kayak didengar saja doanya. Ah. It felt like that they counteracted my manifestation under the pretext of me not being too ambitious, that I have to continue my life here, that I have a job and family. Ah, that "tidak semua yang diinginkan harus didapatkan."
If only you know, that wise words that bring me down. Remind me to always protect my daughters from this stupid jinx.
Hey, Anak-anak Ibu, be what you want to be, do what you want to do. If you want to continue, continue; and if you want to stop as there is nothing else you can do, stop. You might be afraid, that's ok. I will be right behind you. I will not be the one to stop you. I will always support you and your most impossible desire --as long as there is no one will get hurt, mentally and physically.
Do I blame them?
I don't know. I felt I was alone in my battle, a battle due to my stupidity; thus, I can't really share my feeling, my hopes, and my dreams. Ah, the perks of not having any friend. So, they just don't know, and they think I am in their boat. And that's my fault.
•••
Yesterday, I finally met my supervisor. Everything was ok and everything will go according to their expectations (and against my expectations). I really don't want to regret this, tapi apa yang aku punya? Apa yang aku tahu? Apa yang aku bisa?
