Forgive

I am not really sure why things get really complicated up there in my brain. Not even sure if there was a smooth pathways before these chaotic thinking. Or a day when I did not think about anything at all. Am I always this busy (--in my mind)?

Busy?

Busy thinking or busy procrastinating? Busy daydreaming? 

It is messed up, right here, right now.

What I know now is that I might choose the wrong button, months ago.

I chose to be scared. And I am scared (Really, I should stop using metaphors --but I can't).

I should forgive myself for that.

"Hey, I forgive you. I forgive for the wrong choice you made. I know you were scared. I know you are scared. No one likes to deal with things you are dealing right now. I know there are a lot of strong women out there. You don't have to be one, if you don't want to be one."

Draft: Menjadi Seminar Online Organizer

Keyword:

• Membuat no registrasi dengan google form dan google sheets
• Mengirim no registrasi ke peserta menggunakan Autocrat
• Membatasi akses google form hanya kepada peserta yang memiliki no registrasi
• Mengirim sertifikat hanya pada peserta yang memenuhi nilai persyaratan 
• Autocrat set merge condition nilai minimal

I choose to fail before I even end the trip

True: there are a lot of inspiring women who are great in more than one roles. I don't have to be one of them and that's ok.

There are many smart and clever women who have a perfect double life as a mother and student. I don't have to be one. And it's ok.

I might fail my PhD, but not my motherhood. I know that I'm not the only one and that there are women who are fine with the failure --legowo. And I'm not one of them. I am suffering.

No. I don't quit my PhD. I continue.

It's just that I don't like my PhD story and that my PhD will end in a point where it is far far far away from my expectation and that there is no way back to fix it --and know that no one will agree with my subjective thought on this self-proclaimed failure.

I'm not satisfied that's why I choose to fail before I even end the trip.

I was trying so hard not to blame my motherhood journey because by doing that I thought I was evil. To my family, to my daughter.

But, then, I admit, it's hard. I don't understand and no one will understand.

But don't worry, I continue.

But sorry, I probably cannot be an outstanding doctor like I wished I could be.

Love,
A complete failure

Cheers to the wish you were here, but you're not

Last night of Ramadhan 2020.

I am still staying awake in the middle of the night digging through my secret old blogspot recalling all the memories, the feeling, and the thought of being someone I used to be, someone I used to know.

I am losing myself.

I am lost.

I lose.

Love,
A total failure.

Regret and fear

I think my PhD is a failure.

Well, I was about to giving up when I started writing to explain what I am feeling right now. Simply because I already lost my ability to describe these abstract things. Did I ever have one? *laugh*

However, I never imagined that it can be this simple to illustrate the dying butterfly in my stomach. I did not even have to think about the metaphor to make it more dramatic.

Yes, my PhD is a failure.

Love,
A total failure.