I choose to fail before I even end the trip

True: there are a lot of inspiring women who are great in more than one roles. I don't have to be one of them and that's ok.

There are many smart and clever women who have a perfect double life as a mother and student. I don't have to be one. And it's ok.

I might fail my PhD, but not my motherhood. I know that I'm not the only one and that there are women who are fine with the failure --legowo. And I'm not one of them. I am suffering.

No. I don't quit my PhD. I continue.

It's just that I don't like my PhD story and that my PhD will end in a point where it is far far far away from my expectation and that there is no way back to fix it --and know that no one will agree with my subjective thought on this self-proclaimed failure.

I'm not satisfied that's why I choose to fail before I even end the trip.

I was trying so hard not to blame my motherhood journey because by doing that I thought I was evil. To my family, to my daughter.

But, then, I admit, it's hard. I don't understand and no one will understand.

But don't worry, I continue.

But sorry, I probably cannot be an outstanding doctor like I wished I could be.

Love,
A complete failure