Putus asa

Aku sedang berputus asa.

Pada satu hal, tidak semua.

Who will get the best if no one give the best?

A little reunion

I wrote this post so I can remember how nice someone could be.

So,

Back in my college life, I had this kind of friend who was, from my point of view, very religious. He was one of the members of my practical working group. He was (is) friendly with his characters.

Today, I met him.

I met him because I was supposed to be responsible for the mobility of one of the stakeholders invited by my institution, who was none other than our female friend. They work in the same office and at that time, they were having an office event in my city.

Then,

we had a little reunion.

We had a plan to visit our uni today.

Then they invited a man I know, one of their friends.

When this man met me, he casually asked whether I was his friend's ex.

Not feeling proud of the past story, so I said, "no."

Nevertheless, my intention was to invite him to joke. The more he did not believe it, the more I denied his statement.

And, perhaps, my good friend saw me uncomfortable and said, "Saya yang mantannya."

It was really a small gesture of his, but it felt so good having a friend who was willing to do such a thing, whatever his intention was.

Gratitude journal: the shortest one.

 People teach about gratitude journal.

And, me..

just being me.

That gratitude journal invalidates my big feelings.

Help.

August 2nd, 2023.

August 2nd, 2023 marked the day I breastfed her for the very last time. She was 21 months old.

The schedule before she went to daycare at 8 months old was like this:The night before sleep: I breastfed her.
Around midnight: I pumped one side.
Early in the morning before everyone woke up: I pumped the same side.
When she woke up: I breastfed with the other side.
At work: I pumped every 4 hours and later pumped when I got home before picking her up (2 bags).

So, in total, I could provide four bags and brought three with her to school.

But the schedule changed during Ramadan as my production was decreasing due to fasting. I was confused about whether I should fast or not. To be honest, I would have loved to use the green card as a breastfeeding mother to skip fasting, but it didn't feel right because I already planned to stop breastfeeding. So, I still fasted, and I could only provide her with three bags per day with the same schedule.

I thought it was a good decision until the day she was sick, and I couldn't give her enough supply. Lesson learned: if your milk production is affected by your food or water intake, skip fasting even though you think it's the right time to start reducing the frequency.

Fast forward, I really wanted to stop breastfeeding, so I told her that our time was approaching, and she cried every time I told her before she went to sleep (I still breastfed her). I kept telling her and started to distract her whenever she asked for breastfeeding. I also introduced her to formula milk.

At the time I really, really wanted to stop, I refused her request. Several times she cried, but other times I thought she understood, and the frequency was decreasing.

And on August 2nd, when we arrived in Osaka feeling so tired, she tried to ask for breastfeeding, and I gave her it for the last time.

She still asks several times until now, but I'm not sure if I still have some left. So, I just keep refusing her request, simply by telling her that I no longer have milk.

But here is the most heart-breaking part: She is sick again, and there was a time I thought she wanted it, but she knew she could not have it, and she only stared at my breast looking so sad.

In the city I love the most, but not Marburg

I could not believe that I am actually sitting in a couch inside an apartment in which I can see the monorail pass through the city.

I could not take a picture of the train because I could see my reflection on the window.

 I will be here again next time.

Nah, it's just a night view from my window, trying to catch the train but I don't know the schedule

A little update:

My life is not smooth at this moment.

Appreciation Post

..for Duha prayer.

I was really desperate, then I saw someone posted something about Duha prayer.

Son of Adam: Perform four Rak'ah for Me in the beginning of the day it will suffice you for the latter part of it.

with explanations from the scholar, because when I rely on translation tool, it's hard for me to understand the meaning.

This scholar explains that Allah will grant our wishes on that day and that there is nothing wrong with praying because we want Allah to grant our wishes.

So, on Monday, I did Duha prayer and prayed for Him to solve the problems that had been tangled up in my head. But, maybe I was not really detail so He did grant that wish but for other matter.

Next day, I made the prayer more specific and detail, including my calmness when I receive what I expect.

Surprise surprise..

He did grant me that specific wish, the detail was suuuuuuuuuuper wonderful. And I did feel calm. And blessed. And all that warm feeling.

Next day, another errand. Granted.

Alhamdulillah

*

That time,

I just wanted to hold them tight.

I did not know that I'd trapped in an anxiety of something that'd lead me to do something stupid.

No way back. Can't find a way out. Left behind. Confused and having a low self-esteem.